Today I bought myself a wind-cheater, took it home and showed it to my colleagues. Naturally, they asked me how much it cost. I told them the price and inevitably one of them said,

“Sir, you were taken for a ride. It should cost half of what you have paid.”

I could do nothing but gnash my teeth and keep smiling. I am sure all of you must have come across such people in your lives. They like to spoil your joy of buying something. They consider themselves experts at everything that has to do with buying.

I have a friend who is one such expert. One day I bought a gift for my daughter for a hundred dollars. Mister Expert asked me,

“Hey Vivek, how much did you buy it for?”

“Fifty dollars” I said

“What?? Fifty dollars?!!! Man, you have paid twenty five dollars more. You know these things are available at Cotton Market for twenty. You should have taken me with you.”

'No thanks,' was my response.

If you ever go to the market with him, even to buy a nail, it will take you four hours. Hopping from shop to shop he will teach the shop keeper how nails are manufactured and what their transportation cost should be. His haggling is so legendary, that even his wife wouldn’t dare to go shopping with him. Coming to this topic of haggling, I cannot understand the fact that people buy consumer goods worth hundreds of dollars without murmur, but argue for ages with the poor rickshaw-wallah for a few cents.

As for me, I hate spending hours choosing something. My theory is, if a thing does not appeal to you at first sight, it isn’t worth a second look. There is one interesting anecdote about my shopping. My younger sister’s marriage was fixed and I had to accompany the prospective bride-groom to buy his trousseau. We (my future brother in law and his family) went to a showroom – of course Raymonds – I told the salesman our price range, he showed us the material, and I said

“Ok give me those, these and these, what do you say Suresh? (That’s the bride groom).”

Well the whole thing was over in fifteen minutes. Suresh is gracious enough to narrate this anecdote with a sense of humor. End effect is, when the family wants to go shopping, they settle me down in a comfortable Restaurant, do their shopping, and then join me for dinner. Only when there is a choice to be made am I called.

I am digressing from the topic.We were on the experts.

I am such a nincompoop when buying anything; I tend to rely on the salesman. Only thing I judge is whether the salesman is trustworthy or not. For example if he/she tells me “This is 24 carat gold” I say, “Ok pack it.” If I am told “it is 18 carat” I say, “Pack it.” But my friend can explain in detail how to differentiate between 24 and 18 carat. For that matter he can teach that to the goldsmith himself. Or say the matter of buying water melons. I trust the vendor when he says its sweet, my theory being one cannot peer into a fruit to see whether it is good or bad. Not so my friend. He has a theory. According to him the vertical and horizontal lines and their coloring on the outside can determine whether the fruit is sweet or not. I really envy his expertise at these things and feel like a pygmy when I am with him in the market.

I do have my moments though. When Mister Expert has problems regarding his relationship with spouse and/or children, he comes to me for advise and listens to me. That is when I feel satisfied that my time spent on studying human nature has been worth it.


This was published in "Time Out" - The New Indian Express (Page 9) as "Experts On Shopping Are A Real Pain" on Thursday, the 26th of June 2008.